It's almost been a year since my dad died.

I feel like my life has changed so much since my dad passed away....

When me and dri went out to Utah to say our goodbyes ... I was a stressed mess. I was still getting use to motherhood, and all that came along with it. I had never nursed in public, Or traveled alone on a plane with Dri. I thought dri needed to be on a set schedule, sleeping in her crib, nursing/eating at the exact same times every single day. I was concerned with what everyone was telling me I should be doing as a mother that I forgot that I was actually the mom and that I knew what was best for me, and Dri. 

So, after making the long trek to Utah, alone with dri.. I was in a bad mood. I was so anxious. I mean, no one in my family other than my mom had met dri. I hadn't seen my sibling in a few years, and my dad was seriously ill. There was soo much going on and it showed in me. After a few Inatances, a goodbye forever to my dad and a long plane ride back home, I realized some things... 

I realized, that I didn't like me. I realized, what other people thought of me and how we choose to raise dri didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was putting my daughter and her needs first. What mattered was trusting in my insiticts as a mother, and doing what's best for us and our situation.

Shortly After we arrived back in pa, my dad passed away.  This time going back to Utah didn't seem so stressful. I had Dave by my side and a confidence in me that I had never had before. Let's just say we were all a lot happier!

I don't know how to explain it, I know my dads death has so much to do with my current happiness and joy I have found in motherhood. I held on to so much negative feelings that were pointless. My relationship with my father was so up and down. I held on to so many bad feelings. For what? Now that he no longer here, I don't remember and dwell on the bad, I remember and ponder on the good, happy and fun times we had.

Letting go, has helped me to go with the flow in life, not being ashamed to follow what I truly feel is best for me and dri. I just don't care anymore what others think. Knowing that I am in control of my life and my feelings has made a difference! 

I miss you dad, I thank you for the person I have become. It's the best gift you could have given me.